‘Bachelor in Paradise’ premiere recap: ‘It’s you and the crabs’

‘Bachelor in Paradise’ premiere recap: ‘It’s you and the crabs’

(*_ It’s probably for the better, rose lovers. If the season 8 premiere BiP showed anything, it was that this show has gone from a sun-drenched lark into a comically gross parody of itself that is unlikely ever to produce a lasting relationship.

Let’s recap!

The blunder starts right at the beginning as host/hype man Jesse Palmer invites us to “the wildest television show.” He walks along the beach reminding us that BiP has a lot of “romantic propositions,” “crazy drama,” and “devastating breaks.” He adds that “The locals say that you can still hear the sound crying if you pay attention.” ”

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Jesse Palmer hits the beach on ‘Bachelor in Paradise. ‘

| Credit: ABC

Or, you know, just tears. Jesse Palmer: Emotions don’t have a gender. When it comes to meeting the Bachelor Nation alums, who will risk “heartbreak” and humiliation (Jesse’s words), for a “second opportunity at love” — well rose lovers, producers really went all out on the “humiliation”. Come on out, Hunter!

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Oh, Hunter. No.

| Credit: ABC

Get it? Because Hunter, 29, has IBS? We learned this on Clayton’s season The Bachelor, when Marlena revealed it during a group date. Heavy sigh. This was my real-time reaction. GASP! No, Hunter, no! It’s ridiculous that they asked her to do this, it’s ridiculous! It’s amazing that she said yes. This is EXTREMELY ridiculous. Do you think that increasing your followers is worth such self-degradation? This g-d show will be my death.

Moving on.

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Johnny gets his SPF on

| Credit: ABC

Though I did like Johnny with Gabby, there was no way this 25-year-old realtor from Florida was ready for monogamy, let alone marriage. He seems to be more comfortable with two-fist margaritas in Paradise pool.

Next up is Serene, 27, the sweet schoolteacher from Clayton’s season. She’s got her heart set on meeting Brandon, who you may remember as the guy who hurled a Neil Lane diamond ring into the ocean after Michelle dumped him in her Bachelorette finale.

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Brandon is back in Mexico

| Credit: ABC

Since that sad day in Mexico, Brandon’s spent a lot of time at the gym healing his biceps and lats, and now he’s “truly, truly hoping to find love again.”

Romance is not the goal for Kira, however.

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Her alma matter must be so proud.

| Credit: ABC

“My biggest question is not whether I’m going to find love,” explains the 33-year-old Harvard-educated physician from Clayton’s season. “It’s how often I’m going to be in the Boom Boom Room and with how many people. “

Wonderful. From there we move on to Jacob, 27, better known as the ponytailed guy who a) told Gabby he’d leave if she were the only Bachelorette, and b) tearfully apologized for that clumsy sentiment at Men Tell All. Jacob is a mortgage broker who loves being shirtless. Jacob is a mortgage broker who really enjoys being naked.

Cut to:

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Genevieve glams up

| Credit: ABC

Oh hey, Genevieve. This 26-year-old has 200 bathing suits and her eye on Justin from Katie’s season. She doesn’t want Shanae, the blonde, shrimp-eating villain from Clayton’s season, to be on the beach. Rose lovers, you know what that means. Please welcome…

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Get a room, you two.

| Credit: ABC

Oh ffs. This is a friendly reminder to all contestants on Paradise :. Just because the producers ask you to do something stupid, it doesn’t mean that you have to say yes.

In a shocking coincidence, Shanae, 30, also wants to meet Justin from Katie’s season. Thank goodness, I was wrong to think Genevieve and Shanae wouldn’t have much to fight about in Paradise. Let’s get this rivalry going. Justin, come on!

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You better work, Justin.

| Credit: ABC

“I’ve got a feeling my wife is on this beach,” says the 27-year-old meme master. “I’ve been working hard on my Espanol.” (Unfortunately Justin also believes that “Mexican is a language.” People, God doesn’t give with both his hands. )

Our next contestant is…

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Jill’s here, y’all.

| Credit: ABC

Hi, Jill! Wow, six women are now from Clayton’s season. Jill claims she was not in her element on The bachelor but now she is ready to let her freak flag fly while she searches for a “cat dad” on the shore. Maybe she’ll settle down for a real daddy. It gives me no pleasure to introduce our next Paradisian, Michael, 38, from Katie’s season.

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I’d love to remember him as the sweet widower who briefly went insane and agreed to be on The Bachelorette, only to come to his senses and leave the show early to be with his little boy. Instead… he’s the guy who was almost the Bachelor and when that didn’t work out, he chose to spend more time away from his motherless child to go on another reality TV dating show.

“Dating as a single parent can be really difficult,” Michael says. He promises that he got his son’s approval before he flew to Mexico for three weeks. “He said, “Dad, I miss my mom too, but everyone needs somebody.” He has been looking for a mother figure since Laura died. Ftub island ? is a great place to look for one. Good luck, buddy.

Okay, enough with the intro packets. The beach is now open. The beach is open. She’s followed by Michael and then Andrew, 27, from Katie’s season. Genevieve, Johnny, and Teddi, 25, from Clayton’s season (number 7!) Next, descend the stairs.

Andrew immediately falls in love. Andrew immediately pulls Teddi aside to have a conversation. Andrew isn’t lying when he says he has “something special” for Teddi.

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Andrew’s toe.

| Credit: ABC

On the one hand, Teddi appreciates the effort. On the other… blech. Teddi says, “I love the smiley faces.” “But his feet look like he’s been through some tough times.” She says it’s not a problem. Don’t worry Andrew, the next contestant may also have gross feet.

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Welcome, old man.

| Credit: ABC

I really don’t remember much about Casey from Michelle’s season — and apparently, I’m not alone. Casey admits that she feels a little less well-known than other characters on the show. “But if you’re going to find love, there is no better place than here.” I agree to disagree.

Hailey (26, Clayton’s season), Brittany (25, Matt’s season), Jill, and Hunter get quickie intros, which leaves us more time for Sierra, 26. She’s already pre-gaming.

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Sierra and Jesse get the party started

| Credit: ABC

Could you spare some alcohol, Sierra? This intro might make me drink more.

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Yep, it’s Jacob wearing a flesh-colored thong, a fig leaf, and the Black Box of Shame(tm). As a viewer, this was something I did not agree to. “Look at his little buns!” says Andrew, cackling. Michael sighs, “I’m too old to do this.”

In case you don’t keep track, we now have nine women from Clayton’s season. (“It’s Clayton’s island!” jokes Andrew.) And we’re about to make it an even 10: Shanae’s here!

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Shanae hits the beach.

| Credit: ABC

She sits down with the women and introduces herself as “the new Shanae,” while Genevieve and Sierra hit her with some icy stares. Genevieve sighs, “I’m so scared that I’m about to fall for someone and Shanae ruin it,” she says.

That’s your cue Justin! Genevieve and he seem to be getting along well already.

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Genevieve and Justin

| Credit: ABC

Meanwhile, Shanae and Jacob are getting to know each other on the daybed. “I’m a funny, crazy dude,” says Tarzan. “I’m looking for someone who is both funny and crazy.” In a matter of minutes, the flirting turns into cuddling and then to smooching. Did I yell, “Ewwww!” at my screen like an 11-year-old girl? Yes, I did.

Come on, guys. You’ve been there 45 minutes. You can take it down a notch. Jacob and Shanae both love having the cameras pointed at them — so they do what they can to make it happen. Speaking of people who love attention…

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Welcome back, Lace!

| Credit: ABC

“I have so much more to offer someone than I did at 25 years old,” explains the BiP 3 veteran. She may be right, but she will first need to introduce herself because no one knows who she is. “Is she, like with us?” wonders Johnny. Hailey says, “I’m all about alumni showing up on the beach and all that stuff, but six years?” Girl, get on board. You’re done. This is pretty rich for a woman who made absolutely no impression on her season. But what the heck?

Hey producers! We need more man meat! Logan, 26, from Gabby and Rachel’s season strolls in next, followed by Serene’s number-one pick, Brandon.

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Brandon makes a grand entrance.

| Credit: ABC

And Brandon is a man on a mission. He immediately pulls Serene in for a chat and they both instantly start “vibing”, as the kids (probably not longer) say. Brandon admits that he is nervous to talk to him right now. They both giggle and give each other goo-goo eyes, and before you know it…

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Brandon and Serene get to know each other.

| Credit: ABC

FFS! Is this how today’s youth say hello? Within a matter of minutes, they are smooshing each other’s faces together. Rose lovers, pardon me as I clutch my pearls. However, the other women of Paradise are captivated. Lace says, “I feel they’re meant for each other.”

Romeo, 32, from Michelle’s season comes down the stairs next, much to Jill’s delight. She and Romeo “hang out” in the past, but he also has some history of friendship with Kira. They went to school together. Romeo is currently interested in Jill’s pursuit, but he is a data scientist, so he is aware that Kira will likely show up and “get in his way” of his plans.

And, wouldn’t it surprise you, Kira appears next and sits next to Romeo. Jill is even more annoyed when she takes Jill’s beer! Jill is understandably upset and gets up to walk away. “She seems salty,” Kira sneers, as Romeo sat there helpless.

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Romeo is bummed.

| Credit: ABC

We’ll soon learn that this isn’t the first time Kira and Jill have clashed over men. Jill says Kira and she were good friends. “But she’s always pursued guys that I like,” Jill says. She now steals my drink!

Well, it seems like the arrivals have ended for today. Palmer invites contestants to join him at the rose palapa for a kickoff speech. He says, “You’re all there because you’re looking to find love again.” It’s simple: Find love or you will be sent back. “

Dude. You call that a pep-talk? Sheesh. The host lightens things up by listing some of Paradise‘s success stories — Jade and Tanner, Jared and Ashley, etc. — and wonders aloud: “Which one of you is the next Joe or Serena?” Romeo, raise your hand. It was a rhetorical question.

And now, the most important news: Two women will be returning home this week because the men have the roses. (And I don’t mean this week, but next week. There’s no elimination in tonight’s episode. With that, the men/women break into groups to discuss their options and prepare for the night’s bacchanal.

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Wells leads a toast

| Credit: ABC

Oh hey, Wells. Andrew wins the first date card for the season. Although he may not be aware that “sarongs” are a word, he seems like a nice guy. He chooses Teddi to be his one-on-one and they go together to dinner.

Andrew, however, is so nervous that he can’t even string two words together once he gets there. Teddi, as most women, is a master at filling awkward silences. She teases him and soon they are laughing. “I’m so nervous,” Andrew admits. “I’ve never seen anything like this!” ”

Justin leads Genevieve along the crab-covered beach to a quiet daybed. Although their first conversation was awkward (“They make sea unicorns?” Genevieve hopes that they can overcome their awkward conversation and find a “connection” that night.

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Genevieve and Justin

| Credit: ABC

“Obviously, I’m interested in you,” says Justin, but Genevieve still gives him a hard time for acting “uninterested” when he first arrived on the beach. (Uh, what?) Justin decides to make it clear and plants one on her. She LOVES it. She exclaims, “Justin is a great kisser.” “And I’m picky when it comes to kissing. “

Hmm… I wonder how things are with Andrew and Teddi.

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Good job on the arts and crafts, Bachelor Interns

| Credit: ABC

Sorry, let me back up a few minutes. Before they got into the giant margarita and began to make out, Andrew had the nerve to tell Teddi that his attraction to Teddi’s aura and confidence. Teddi loves that Andrew is so happy and brightens up everyone’s day. These two are so cute together.

The coupling up is also going well at Paradise HQ. Johnny and Hunter, Sierra, Michael, Romeo, Jill (and Kira), Brandon, and Serene all feel the “love.” Even contestants who don’t make “connections” are having fun — except for Lace.

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Moping in Mexico

| Credit: ABC

“This is the most boring season I’ve ever seen in my life,” she grumbles. “I feel prettiest I have ever been.” I don’t know how I can be pursued. It’s unbelievable! “

It’s clear that Lace is a bit out of place at the beach. She had to say hello four times when she arrived. No one recognized her, and no one was interested in talking to her. To her credit, Shanae finds Lace in her bedroom and encourages her return to the party. She agrees and tells everyone at the bar that her birthday is. (It’s not.) This lies gets her the attention she desires, and it also gives Logan an excuse to come along for a chat and birthday cake.

Logan is happy for her to share some cake, but his expression when Lace tells Lace that he’s the only one she’s interested is terrifying.

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The fear in his eyes is palpable.

| Credit: ABC

“Interesting,” he mumbles, looking over his shoulder for an escape route. He then accidentally (or deliberately?) calls her “Luce” instead of “Lace”. She spirals downwards. He then accidentally (or intentionally?) calls her “Luce” instead “Lace” and she spirals. “I spent all this time talking with you, and you call me Luce?” She scoffs. “You didn’t even know my name!” Logan apologizes, but now he definitely wants to get as far away from Lace as possible.

I think producers were concerned that Lace wouldn’t be totally embarrassed when she viewed this back. They segue from this “birthday” scene to Palmer reading this voiceover copy. “Considering faking you own birthday to meet men?” We can do better, I think! Apply to be on the next season The Bachelor ”

Eventually, Lace semi-peer forces Casey to give her a chaste peck in the lips… so congrats!

It seems that Michael and Sierra seem to be getting along well. He believes she is an “old soul”, while she claims he’s the only one she’s interested. He tells her what it is like to be a single parent and his answer is usually heartbreaking. He says, “I can handle both the energy and the tasks.” “I think the hardest part is creating memories and not having anyone to share them with. “

Nope. I won’t cry watching Bachelors in Paradise .. It’s not going to happen.

“Sierra’s beauty is obvious,” Michael says. “She has a presence that is intoxicating and contagious. We are comfortable together. It’s almost as if we have known each other for years. “

As the night goes on, Jill decides that it’s time for her to investigate the Romeo-Kira matter. She explains that Romeo and she were there for one another during a difficult time in our lives. I miss that friendship. ”

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Romeo and Jill

| Credit: ABC

Romeo is clearly a little uncomfortable addressing the Kira issue, so Jill offers some gentle encouragement. “We’ve gotta communicate!” Solid relationship advice, holy cow! On Bachelor at Paradise ? I never imagined I’d live to see that day. Romeo is now more confident and able to get straight to the point. He says, “I like you; it’s been a long time since I liked you.” “And I don’t like that this has interfered avec that. I don’t feel a connection to Kira and I want to be able to move on and start fresh. “

Jill enjoys what she hears, but she wants Romeo and his romance to be more intense. She says, “I want to see more of you.” “I felt like you were trying to avoid me all day.” Translation: KISS MY, YOU DUMMMY! Romeo takes the hint and they smooch.

Well, that’s it. What could go wrong?

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Of course she’s not.

| Credit: ABC

Oh, of course. Naturally, Kira walks up to Jill and Romeo and interrupts their little tete-a tete. Jill then leaves the moment she arrives. Romeo tries to be gentle and firm with Kira. He says, “I don’t want our friendship between us to interfere with what we’re pursuing with Jill.” “I would be grateful if you could allow me to pursue Jill in peace. “

Give that man a round. I’ve never seen a Bachelor show as much backbone in a season as this man, and this is just day 1 of Paradise .. Kira doesn’t love Romeo’s words. He stares at her for a while, then she sighs. She says, “If that’s what it’s worth doing, I’ll respect that.”

Under that calm exterior, there’s a pissed Paradisian just looking for a fight. Kira confesses, “I didn’t do anything to merit this.” “I thought we were a good match…I was counting on his rose. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.” I just got played and I hate it. They are disgusting.” She sprints off to confront Jill.

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Kira gets to the point.

| Credit: ABC

Jill explains that her problem is that Kira keeps intentionally butting in when she’s talking to Romeo. They argue as the other contestants openly observe them from the bar or on the beach. Kira sighs, “I feel very disrespected.” “You’ve been slutshaming me!” “

Jill is shocked by this outlandish accusation and runs sobbing into Brandon. Kira goes to the bar to get some shots, as the music starts to swell. She declares, “If anything, the Romeo-and-Jill situation, those were mine shackles.” “And now they’re gone, and I’m able to, like, really enjoy Paradise.” (She is referring to trying to get Casey to go to the Boom Boom Room. Okay, girl, have fun, but please be responsible. The next morning, everyone is relaxed and happy as they gather at the dining area for breakfast. Genevieve is feeling really good about her connection with Justin… so you know what that means, rose lovers:

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Welcome back, Victoria.

| Credit: ABC

Fresh blood! Perhaps a new face! I didn’t even recognize her from Peter’s season. It’s obvious that Victoria has her sights set on Justin. But we’ll have to wait until next week to see how Genevieve handles this totally expected unexpected twist.

This was a lot to absorb, and this is only the first episode. Next week, BiP airs on Monday and Tuesday. This will make four precious hours of your life disappear. Rose lovers, are you going to continue on this “journey”? Do you think any of these contestants is “ready” to “love?” How old were you when your first colonoscopy was performed? You can post your thoughts below.

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Bachelor in Paradise

The Bachelor goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.

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